The Do-Over - Part 1 - The Cost of Anger

  Part 1 - The Cost of Anger

"His Mercies are New Every Morning" Lamentations 3:22

She could feel the heat rising inside of her. It had to be showing on her face just how mad she was. Why didn’t he see that? How could he just sit there and act like nothing is going on? How could he think that there wasn’t anything that he should be doing at this moment?

As Chrissy’s temper started boiling over, Tony just sat staring at the TV.

This was an important game, Tony was so glad he got home in time to watch most of it. It had been a long day at work, and he was so tired. Now he could just relax. As he was relaxing another sensation came over him, as if someone were watching him - he felt the intensity of it. He took a quick look up from the TV to see Chrissy standing there. He could tell she was steaming - at something.  “What now?? Why can’t I just relax?  It was like this every day and he was getting sick of it!” Tony complained to himself.

“What?!” Tony snapped

“Are you really going to act like you have no idea what I am mad about?” 

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The day had started off great for Chrissy, who knew it would end so miserably? This was her one day off this week, and she was trying to get the laundry done and get a little ahead on some spring cleaning and had planned to plant some flowers out front. She had the itch and anticipated the feeling of fresh dirt in her hands, placing each flower in their special spot that she had picked out for them.  With no kids yet, these plants were like her babies.

There were just 2 things she had asked of her husband to get done this past week, on his days off. Just 2.  Get the washing machine fixed. It leaked every time when it hit the rinse cycle. And to plow up the front flower beds. There were just two little beds bordered in wood.

Tony had made them for her a couple of years ago as a mother’s day present. It was the best present she had ever received, and every time she looked at them, it helped remind her that Tony loved her, even when he didn’t say it.

As far as her 2 requests, Tony had said, “no problem.” And when she asked in the middle of the week, he glared at her, “I’ve got this, quit bothering me about it.” So being the obedient wife, she quit asking.  

Tony was up and gone to work early as she started this pretty day by herself, with a cup of coffee and a book. Then she got her several loads of laundry in order.  Today was the day she was going to not only wash the necessities but the linens and maybe even get to some curtains (ha!) if she had time.  As she got the first load in, she headed to the back shed, the sun was still shining, but she could see clouds building up on the horizon. She better hurry if she was going to get her precious flowers in.  She grabbed her gardening apron that had her tools in it and her tray of sprouting flowers and went to the front, to the side (opposite of the garage) where her treasured flower beds were.

She stopped. 

The ground was hard as clay. The early spring weeds had taken over by cracking through the top surface of the soil. It had been dark when she had gotten home late yesterday and didn’t even bother to check. 

 Oh, how she had wanted to put her hands in that fresh tilled soil, now she wanted to take those hands and grab her husband’s throat.  He promised!  Starting to grumble not only on the inside, but talking to herself out loud about how many times he had promised things and didn’t follow through. Well, she could run the rototiller too.  It just was going to take extra time that she didn’t have. She marched over to the garage and uncovered the tiller .

"OOf!” this was heavier than she remembered. As she clumsily pulled the tiller back and forth to weave it through the garage obstacles, sweat started trickling down her back.

She wasn’t sure how, but she heaved it over the wooden boarder - there was just enough room to run the tiller twice up and down the flower bed side by side.  Now, how did we start this thing? It had been years since she had actually ran it, Tony always did the tilling, whenever and wherever it needed done. Ah yes, the pull cord.  She pulled as hard as she could over and over, sweat now running down the front and the back of her, and nothing!  

Check the gas, came the thought. After fumbling around and figuring out where the gas tank was, Chrissy opened it and - bam - no gas!  Not to be deterred, at this point she was bound and determined to get those flower beds plowed all by herself. Her short fuse always made her over react - and today was one of those days. She would show Tony that she didn’t need his help that he chided her about anyway. Her feverish mind reminded her that there was perhaps a small gas can back in the shed. Tony had not liked keeping any extra gas next to the house in the small garage, so they had kept a can in the back shed. Well, at least she was hoping, the can would be there.

The clouds were thickening, but that wasn’t going to stop her. She traipsed doggedly through the house to make a shortcut to the backyard.  In her determination, she did not see the pool of water spreading from the laundry machine into the kitchen and in front of the back door.

“Aaaah!” she screamed as her feet went flying up in front of her and her back landed hard on the kitchen floor in the middle of the gray water pond that had built up there.

She slowly got up, trembling, dripping, bruised and angry. Beyond angry. Livid. Disgusted. Fuming with rage. She grabbed her phone which was on the kitchen counter and called Tony.  “Ring, Ring, Ring”  No answer!  How could he ignore her like that?!

She called his work, something that he had asked her not to do except in an emergency.  Well this sure felt like an emergency to her at this point, and maybe one for him too. The nice dispatch secretary came on the line, “Oh sorry Chrissy, Tony is out on a job right now. I’ll let him know you called when he gets back in.”  Chrissy decided the better of it and told her not to worry.

Chrissy thought to herself, “It is amazing how angry and fuming you can be one minute, and then when the situation calls for it, be so sweet sounding on the phone.” She smiled a devious little smile to herself, well Tony was just going to be surprised tonight when there wouldn’t be any dinner for him and she could sweetly say, “Oh I know I promised you dinner, but umm well something else came up.”  See how he liked it.

“BOOM, CRACK” Her hair stood up. Thunder! It was close. She ran outside and grabbed her tools and flower seedlings just as it started to rain. Big pelting drops hit her forehead as she headed for cover in the house. As she looked outside the window, the monstrous tiller was there glaring at her as a flash of lightning seemed to bounce off the shiny red metal cover.  She had half a mind to leave it there, but even in her mood she knew that she had better get it taken care of.  If it got rusted, or water got in the gas tank, or whatever bad mechanical thing might happen to it in the rain, it wouldn’t be Tony’s fault, while she might still blame him. And no matter what, it would still be damaged and that would cost money and time and more delays. 

She was still wet, so she just went outside without any rain gear and tugged at that darn rototiller, which seemed heavier than before, if that was possible.  Eventually, she had got the tiller back over the wooden barrier of the flower beds and trudged it through the grass and to the open garage.  There! She would just leave it there - right in front. No messing around with all the obstacles and Tony would see it for sure when he came home.  And just maybe it might make him feel bad. Chrissy stomped off to the house to look for a mop.

An hour later, Chrissy was in drier clothes and a slightly calmer mind. She had mopped up the floor as best as possible. Rung out the clothes as tight as she could from the washer and put them in the dryer to at least dry before she figured out how to wash them correctly, muttering to herself the whole time. A laundromat was going to cost money, cash money, not something she had a lot of.

A thought popped into her mind, “the ‘fun-time jar’ in the kitchen. . . Hmmm.” She and Tony had started that during their first year of marriage - to keep the fun in their marriage. This commitment of marriage was important to both of them, and they thought up this idea all on their own and were proud of it.  They had a jar and any time that either of them had extra change, five bucks here, a dollar there and sometimes just literal change, quarters, dimes, etc, they would put it in the jar.  When there was enough money in there, they would treat each other to an ice cream outing, or a trip to the mini-golf place over on Main street, or something fun just for them. That jar had brought them many treasured memories and it held out hope for many more to come. They promised each other that they would not touch it unless it was for them and for fun.

Well, Chrissy was not in the mood for fun, but she did need some money for laundry. And without clothes, well no fun was going to be had anyway. But deep in her heart knew she was stepping on sacred territory, and her heart started sending her those warning signs, those uneasy emotions that you try to ignore when you are justifying things.

Chrissy shook her head as if to shake off those warnings and glared at the jar. After stuffing the clothes from the dryer into a basket, she decided to make two other baskets of linens - and the curtains. Why not?! The rain had slacked off and she could get it all taken care of there. Loading the baskets into the car, she slammed the back hatch down and scraped her hand. “Ouch!” Angrily stomping back into the kitchen she glared at the “fun-time” jar once again and snatched it before letting her heart tell her otherwise.

It had been awhile since she had been to a laundromat, a wave of sentiment quickly wafted across her mind as the smell of perfumed detergents brought back a few memories of their first year together, when they were at the apartment with no laundry facilities.  She felt out of place now. The people were bustling around. Some just dumping their laundry into a machine and walking back out.  Others trying to neatly sort through their loads using up all the table space. The scattered debris on the floor which included those empty mini-laundry boxes bought from the vending machine reminded her that in her haste she had forgotten all about the actual detergent and softener making her feel even more foolish.

Well, she was not going to be outdone by this and stubbornly tilted her head up and stuck her chin out. She put her loads on the floor near one of the large machines.  “Eee gods! This was expensive!” Chrissy shuddered as she started sifting through the money jar for the right amount. 

By the time she had gotten through all the washes and multiple uses of the dryer machines (things just didn’t seem to get dry enough on the first go around,) she had spent a good amount of their “fun-time” money. 

As the guilt started to rise, she quickly told herself that this was all Tony’s fault and he was just going to have to understand how hard he made her life.  In addition to money, this had taken a whole lot more time than she had anticipated, a good thing she had planned to purposely NOT make Tony any dinner. At least that was what she told herself as she went through the drive-through. 

Now to go home and get ready to confront Tony, sorting through every detail of every mis-handled promise he had ever made and how it affected her life.

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As Tony sleepily pulled into the driveway that night, he noticed the opened garage and the rototiller haphazardly placed in the way.  He shook his head as he thought about Chrissy trying to handle that thing. He had always told her this was an expensive machine and it needed to be taken care of to keep it running for a long time.  If she was going to take it out, why not put it back where it belonged?  Why not at least put its cover over it? Well, he had told her he was going to get to that, but it had rained the last time he was off. Maybe this was a good thing, maybe she could realize how difficult her little “tasks” were becoming. “Just do this one thing for me, please?” she would plead with him. But that was never enough, there was always something else.

Well, he was going to be the good husband and not complain about the mishandling of the rototiller and put it back into its proper spot with its cover neatly arranged on it. He smiled to himself that he was a good husband, Chrissy did not know how good she had it.  With a quick look at his watch he thought, “Now to relaxing and watching that game.”  

As he walked in and plopped down on the chair without barely a word, Chrissy looked in disbelief. 

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 . . .

“What?!” Tony snapped

“Are you really going to act like you have no idea what I am mad about?” Chrissy was yelling back. “Did you not notice the rototiller? Did you not promise me you were going to till my flower beds???”

“Yeah, I put it away for you.  Your welcome, by the way.” Tony retorted back. “I told you it rained the last day I was off.”

“You could have done it any other night. It wouldn’t have taken you that long.”

“Oh, really? And how long did it take you today?” He smirked.

“Well . . . well, what about my laundry machine?  I was all set to do loads of laundry today - and found out you hadn’t gotten it fixed yet.  I just knew that if I didn’t remind you of it that you would forget, AGAIN!”

“Your laundry machine? I think my money bought it. And I told you that I tried to fix it, but couldn’t figure out why it was only leaking on the rinse cycle. I told you that Frank was going to come over when he got a chance.”

“You didn’t say any such thing.  But that is so typical, yeah get your ‘buddy’ to fix it instead of calling in a professional. Here I was being the good wife and expecting that it would have been done for me today without me questioning . . . I’m sorry. . . ‘nagging’ you.  And what did I get for my troubles? I ended up slipping on the floor and landing in a puddle of laundry water.”

Tony couldn’t get the picture out of his mind, that of his graceful wife with legs all askew flopping around on the floor. Obviously she was not that seriously injured and he started laughing.

“You’re laughing at me!!??” Chrissy was incredulous, “When you didn’t keep a single promise to me, and I had to bear the brunt of all of your mistakes today? I had to lug all this laundry to the laundromat and lug it all back, it took forever!”

“Are you kidding me, Chrissy? All my mistakes caused all of your problems? I am exhausted and just need a break. I was happy to come home - until all this . . .” He got up from the couch and turned off the game. “I’ll watch it in the bedroom,” he thought.  He got to the kitchen doorway and stopped.

“Ummm, what’s for dinner?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I know I promised dinner, but something else came up.”  It sounded much better in her head, but the look of Tony’s disappointed, no, more like wounded, face took the wind out of them and it seemed as though those words just fell on the floor.  She really hurt him.

“Really, Chrissy?  Are you really being this petty because I didn’t get the washing machine fixed? I thought that you would understand how hard I have been working - for us - for you.  And now . . . “ His voice trailed off.

Chrissy realized, too late, that she had overplayed her hand.

He looked up at her, straight in the face, “I’m done!  I’m done with the whining, the manipulating, the badgering.  Yeah I may not be the best husband out there, and yeah I may not get to EVERYTHING I said I would right at the moment you want it.  But I’m tired and I’m done for tonight.”  With that he went to pick up a bag of chips from the counter, and stopped again.

“Chrissy,” He said slowly, “where is our ‘fun-time’ jar?”

Now Chrissy’s face was distraught and all the warnings of earlier came racing at her, accusing her, “I . . .I,” she faltered, “I needed cash for the laundromat.”

“What??!!  Our ‘fun-time’ money? Now who’s breaking promises? Doesn’t anything matter to you, except you?  I  . . . am . . . done.” And with that Tony turned and walked to the bedroom.

“Tony . . .” Chrissy cried out, but she had no other words to follow. How had this all backfired on her? She hadn’t done anything wrong . . . or had she? He said that she manipulated him? Was he right? Did she whine, cajole, complain, seduce her way to getting what she wanted? That couldn’t be all true, could it?

It slowly dawned on her, yeah she had a bad day, but in the end, much of that was on her.  When she saw the flower beds, she could have just left it for another time, especially with the weather front coming through.  She could have found other money to use at the laundromat.  Tony was the one who really got hurt. And she, Chrissy, was the mastermind behind that hurt. 

Her heart started breaking. She did love that man. Why did she have to get so upset and turn on him like that? Now anything that she would say tonight would seem like she was patronizing him. She saw no way out of the hurt. Time and space might help, but from this point on, each moment he saw that jar - their special jar - he would know she put herself first before her promises to him, to this marriage. She felt convicted and alone.

More than anything in the world, she wanted a “do-over.”  Could she just start this day over again? This time be more aware of the consequences of her actions. The tears welling up in her eyes could not be stopped. Before she knew it she was sobbing her body convulsing through the ragged breaths she was taking.

She had to get out of there. She didn’t want Tony to think she was manipulating him again by crying. And she didn’t want to feel the loneliness if Tony decided to ignore her.  So she grabbed her keys and rushed to her car and put it in gear and backed out of the driveway without thinking.  The slight scrape and thump made her realize she - just might have - hit her neighbors mailbox.  Waves of guilt and frustration accosted her again.  She would deal with that later, right now she had to get out of there!

Chrissy hit the gas and her fast little red car went speeding down the road, turning quick corners and finessing back roads until she came to that straightway stretch on route 119.  It went for miles without curving.  Teens loved to drag race on it. But this was late and she was alone - and she put the pedal to the metal and just flew.  Crying and speeding and beating the steering wheel she barely noticed the white figure just up the road from her.  At the last minute she saw him and slammed on the brakes and swerved severely all over the road, but before it came to a stop, she heard and felt a 

Thud

“Oh my God, please God, please God. NO!  NO!  NO!  This can’t be. Please God. Please! I know that I have not followed you closely. But Tony and I tried to do what is right and I have tried to live by the rules and go to church when I could.  I can’t have run over this man. I just can’t. NO!  NO! Just let me go back to the beginning of this day and start all over. God please.”

Shaking with fear and adrenaline rushing through her veins, Chrissy slowly opened her car door and peaked behind her. A white lump was visible on the road. “Oh God, what do I do?” She thought as she stepped out one foot slowly after the other until she was just a few feet from the lifeless body. “Should I move him? Wait! 911 - I almost forgot. They will fix this. Oh but they trace the calls. I wonder, “ Chrissy thought with a shudder “If this guy has a cell phone on him? Wait, that’s horrible. I have to face this.”

The movement startled her. 

Chrissy jumped back as the white figure rose up. He started wiping himself off as he was shaking his head. 

“I’ve done lost it,” thought Chrissy, “I’m hallucinating.”

The figure, was it even really a man? rose up to his full height, until he almost towered over her.  And then he stretched out parts of his body. As he stretched out his arms something else happened. It was imperceptible at first then something started to grow downward from each of his raised up arms to the point that these new appendages(?) engulfed the back part of his body.  Chrissy stared: a fully winged being stood before her.

Was she really seeing this? It . . . it  . . . was what could only be described as an angel.  She could feel a tingling sensation up and down her spine and over her body.  The tingling took shape and became light until she and this . . . angel . . . were wrapped in light.  She felt his intense gaze on her and the trembling increased in her body - until her legs felt like jelly and she was going to pass out.  The figure reached out his hand and touched her shoulder. The strength and power that emanated from the touch steadied her emotionally wired body.

Then he spoke. It was a deep voice, stern, but kind, full of power, full of compassion. “Chrissy, God has been watching you and God has a job for you.”

“What?? Me?? I’m a mess. I do everything wrong. I don’t even know if my husband will ever talk to me again. And I am not sure about whether right now my neighbors are too excited about me either.”

“Chrissy,” the voice became louder somehow, echoing all around, “When God calls you, it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with Him.”

“I can’t . . . I mean I don’t know . . . “ Chrissy faltered and finally said, “I need help.”

“Aah,” the angel almost looked like he was smiling, “that is what I came to do.  What do you need?”

“A do over” Chrissy nervously laughed at the impossibility of it, “I mean at least of today.”

He was silent for a moment, and then said, “OK, Go home and God will direct” and with that - he vanished. 

The angel, the light, it was all gone and Chrissy found herself standing in the middle of a dark road.  She saw another light in the distance, and figured it to be a truck that started laying on his horn.  Chrissy quickly got into her car and turned it on to move it out of the way.  When the truck passed, she sat there for a few more minutes - vacillating between trembling fear and numbness of spirit.

She had no idea what had just happened, but she felt like she just got a break.  Well, at least for one thing, it didn’t look like she had actually hit someone.  So she turned the car around for a much slower ride home, having no idea what was to come next.